No more hiding behind a mask...
It's time to come clean.
I haven't blogged in more than 4 weeks & the reason is simple: FEAR
Fear of the repercussions of being open & honest, fear of what people will think, fear of being judged, fear of exposing the truth & not being able to take it back, fear of accepting my past & embracing my future.
Let me explain...
My divorce was finalized on July 30, 2013. I was devastated. I was broken. I felt like a failure. I never thought that I would be "one of those" divorced people. I pride myself on being strong, a fighter, never say die, I can do it all & I still can't believe I couldn't save my marriage. I'll spare you the details because it's the same old tale: we grew apart, we wanted different things, we couldn't compromise, we were on different pages when it came to kids & career & religion...
With a 60% divorce rate, I'm sure you've heard it all before. But even though (sadly) I'm in the majority - I still felt so alone. I felt abandoned, I felt people giving me those pity looks & I felt like I failed everyone. My parents, my in-laws, my family, my friends, my husband & of course, myself. Plenty of my friends have gone through a divorce but nobody could prepare me for the immense pain. It's like taking a bullet. It's like a death... But without closure. It makes you doubt who you are & what you stand for & it makes you lose your confidence & your belief in yourself.
But I have a very wise, loving, caring, sensitive & faithful best friend who told me that angels would watch over me & take care of me through this time when I didn't think I could handle the overwhelming, suffocating pain. I didn't think I would ever be "me" ever again. But she was right... My Angels arrived.
I can't explain it.
Some were here for a second & then gone forever.
Some are still in my life today.
But every single one of them saved me. And I would NOT still be standing today if it weren't for My Amazing Angels.
You know who you are & I thank you with all that is left of my broken heart.
At times, it seemed like my tears would never stop flowing. And then my friends aka "my angels" would make me smile or even better, bring out a buried laugh & I would think, "it's going to get better..."
And it is... slowly, painfully & with time.
Oh that may be the worst of all!
Just waiting for time to heal my broken... No... my shattered heart.
Less than 3 months after the end of my marriage... On October 15, 2013... I received the news that my father had died of a heart attack.
My Dad was not the picture of health & I knew that I would get the call one day that his hard & fast living had beat him in the battle for life in this world... But it sure didn't make anything easier. I was no more prepared or equipped to deal with losing my Dad. The pain was more than I thought I could handle. It's not just a mental pain, it's a physical manifestation of all that is now lost & gone forever.
At the time I thought the memories of my Father were all that I had...
That was my Dad. Danny Creel was a Hunter, a Fisherman, a Boater... pretty much an all-around outdoor enthusiast! Kinda funny that I became a Vegan right?! But don't get me wrong... He LOVED animals, he respected them, he never hunted for sport, only for food.
And so I realize that it's not just memories of my father that exist in my mind... it's also the love that he had in his heart... It didn't leave this world with him. It now lives in my heart.
I exist today because of my Father. I am who I am because of my Dad. He taught me unconditional love for all beings... But Especially for Animals! And he taught me to laugh & to live & to love & to forgive.
So even though I lost my husband & my Dad both within months of each other...
I'm going to laugh...
I'm going to live...
I'm going to love...
& I'm going to forgive...
Life will continue on.
It's not easy.
But I'm learning a lot about who I am (thanks to my Dad) & who I want to be.
My divorce will no longer destroy me.
And my Dad's death will be a reminder that in this world...
This is what really matters!
LOVE YOUR FAMILY.
Don't let "life" get in the way of time together.
Say "I love you" often & show it even more.
I can't bring back my Dad anymore than I can bring back my husband but I'm going to learn to let the loss help heal my heart.
For all those who have loved & lost or suffered the loss of a loved one... Let's remember to support each other, pray for one another & help put our hearts back together... one piece at a time.